The First
Content warning for discussions of addiction and death
On December 9th, 2022, I was scheduled to take a flight to Denver to visit my very good friend, Ashley, for the first time in about two and a half years. It was a trip I was extremely excited about. Spending time with Ashley always brings me so much joy, and after such a shitty year, it was a much-needed break from my home life.
But the morning of December 9th, I instead woke up to nine missed calls and five voicemails from the local hospital where my dad had been admitted to detox from his latest alcoholic breakdown.
I wasn’t worried. This wasn’t my first rodeo as the primary contact and caretaker of my dad. Just three months prior, I had gone through all of This again after about a year of respite (This with a capital T meaning a hospitalization after he drank so much he almost died), and the entire time he was admitted I received calls constantly from the nurses and doctors, sometimes to provide medical updates, but most times at his request because he needed me to run some unnecessary errand he would later forget he asked me to do.
The voicemails were pretty generic. “This is Nurse X from X-Hospital reaching out to speak with you about your dad.” Hospitals don’t include specifics in voicemails, even for benign things. I thought there was a high likelihood they were doing an early transfer of him from the hospital to the same physical therapy place he had been sent after his stay in August as I knew his medical detox had largely run its course.
If anything, I was annoyed with the phone calls. This time around, I wasn’t handling the logistics of my dad’s detox and recovery. I had tapped my sister in even though she lived in a different city than my dad and I. Because finally, I was done with all of it.
I was done with his denial of his addiction, done with hospitals, done with him. I had made the decision the week prior to go No Contact. Finally. After the hellish six months since I moved him to my city to help him get back on his feet and after ten years which were largely composed of either his complete absence in my life or tense conversations speckled with hostility and resentment, I was so thoroughly burnt out, wrung of all empathy and exhausted. My best efforts had failed. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make, but I was done. I had blocked his number.
So at 7 am, I called my sister, waking her up to tell her to call the hospital or the P.T. place or wherever he was to handle it and to take my name and number off of his contact list.
Still in bed, I received a call back from my sister about 15 minutes after I had spoken with her. She said through tears and disbelief, “Dude, Dad died.”
***
The text above, named “The First,” is the beginning of a larger piece regarding the events that preceded this day and my experience the year following.
It isn’t easy to make the decision to go No Contact with a parent, only for them to die immediately after. This isn’t an essay meant to shit on my dad or even necessarily a piece fully about my dad. I do not think anyone’s life should be defined by their death, nor do my frustrations leading up to the news of his death reflect the overall relationship I had with him. I loved my dad. That’s what makes this so complicated.
This is just a sample of something I wrote to discuss the process of grief with all its complexities, particularly when it comes to experiencing it for the first time as an adult after a lifetime of feeling dread over the possibility of it. This is a piece about what it’s like when you’re the next-of-kin and responsible for someone’s death when you’re not prepared to be in that role. Most importantly, this is a piece about the advice my sister gave me shortly after we heard the news which prepared me to grieve, and how helpful that was for me at that time. I plan to share my experience and that advice in the hopes it helps someone else in the future.
I posted this here as a preview as the full piece will likely be in audio format in a discussion with a friend. I am very excited about that venture, so look for an announcement soon!
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Love your perspective and waiting patiently 💜